Communication Class Discussion Post

I was so torn trying to figure out what to write about with this discussion. I really felt that they all tied together, so then my post will tie them all together. Right or wrong, this is the direction I am running. With that said, let us begin.

Small Talk: Small talk, as defined on page 356 of Seiler & Beall's Communication book, is "casual conversation that is often impersonal and superficial, including an exchange of hellos or comments about the weather, newsworthy events, or trivia." It "provides an avenue for getting to know another person by talking about non threatening, impersonal subjects. It has value and is effective when properly executed/performed. It also has the ability to lay the ground work for developing relationships and possibly long-term relationships. Of course the reading material provided suggestions for effective conversation such as good eye contact, use names, allow the other person to talk about themselves, keep conversation casual, light, and positive, and be confident in yourself. Through small talk a person will be able to determine whether or not to continue the relationship and as to what level to pursue that relationship (personal, business, romantic etc.)

Developing Relationships: So, now that we have met and participated in some effective small talk we will embark on a new relationship adventure. (Adventure is a key word here.) Our small talk increases to lengthy conversation and engages in in-depth levels of emotions as we learn and discover new things about each other. Attraction has played its role in the beginning, and now we adventure into the heart of each other. (This for me was the hard part of dating.) We share goals, likes and dislike, personal interest, hobbies and even conflict sometimes as we become more developed. You navigate through Knapp and Vangelisti's stages of initiating, experimenting, intensifying, integrating and bonding and now have a functioning developed relationship hopefully. Lasting Relationships: So, our effective small talk two years ago while waiting on our coffee lead to an amazing developed relationship. Although it has not all been icing on the cake, we have kept the communication door open (which is key) and "became one" as the Bible states or best friends. So, lets look at what keeps a relationship going. Looking outside the reading this week, and the main thing in any relationship is putting God front and center and putting a door stop on communication to keep it open. Navigating back to the reading Seiller & Beall suggest the following: (pg. 399)

•Do favors for each other

•Celebrate special events together

•Surprise each other

•Create romantic environments/moments•Spend time together.

•Display physical affection any moment you can

•Reminisce/share memories together

•Say 'I love you'

•Be playful•Be accountable, trusting, and forgiving

•COMMUNICATE (Verbal & Nonverbal Remember sometimes your nonverbal communication speaks louder than your verbal)

To wrap all this up is simple. Effective small talk leads to developing relationships which can lead to long satisfying relationships in your life. It all starts with "Hello, my name is Amanda. You are?"

RESTORING BALANCE TO YOUR LIFE

The idea of balance defines our Universe. The cosmos, our planet, the seasons, the oceans, and our forest are all in perfect balance. Even our Earth has to restore balance from time to time. We witness this through events such as hurricanes, tornados, floods, fires, and other acts of nature. Wouldn't it be nice if we could flood our past or those days that we would like to have disappear and restore it all back into balance? Awe, if it were only that easy.

Humans unlike nature and the Universe are an exception. We tend to live our lives out of balance for the most part. We have eight components of life; spiritual, intellectual, emotional, physical, social, cultural, occupational and environmental. So, with so many compartments in our lives is it even possible to maintain balance in all areas or can we only balance a few areas and juggle the rest the best we can (which is what we tend to do anyways)?

According to Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, living a balanced life is obtainable and starts with the way we process the world and our surroundings. Have you ever heard the sayings; "When you change the way you process the world, the world you are processing changes" or "If you think you can, then you can?" As humans our pattern tends to be: The more we have the more we desire; the more we take the more we need. The less effective it is the more we consume," and this is toxic to our well-being. How you perceive the world that is around you, and the more in balance you are with your thoughts, dreams, and passions, the easier it is to balance everything else out. An ancient Hindu saying is; "God gives food to every bird but He doesn't throw it in the nest." In other words God gives us what we need but we still have to do some work to obtain the fullness of our lives. Now, I have come up with a list of 20 ways you can start getting your life into balance. So, let us begin!

1. Focus on your dreams no matter what
2. Don't focus on how difficult things are
3. Focus on this statement "You get what you think about whether you want it or not"
4. Slow down/Be patient/and enjoy the small things
5. Become conscious of your desire to be at peace and adjust you thing around those thoughts
6. Be a loving person, not a judgmental person
7. Love yourself
8. Be accepting to change
9. Stand for what you believe in regardless of what others think
10. Never compromise what you believe and how you feel for the happiness of someone else
11. Let go of you past and remove all shame and guilt LIVE FOR A NEW KNOWING
12. Know that you are enough and believe in yourself and dreams
13. Don't dwell on what is missing from your life
14. Stop complaining and cultivating a bad, unlucky and unworthy image of yourself
15. Capitalize on your talents/strengths
16. Integrate your passion with your career
17. Get organized
18. Live simple not beyond your means if you attempt too much you will succeed at nothing
19. Rest and be active
20. Take time outs

This list will not bring your life into balance, but it is a start and will give you something to think about. If you feel out of balance then your day-to-day routines and habits define your life. Louisa May Alcott once said, “Far away in the sunshine are my highest inspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see the beauty, believe in them and try to follow where they lead…” This doesn’t sound like day-to-day routine and habits to me. Basically, being in balance is all about following your passion, living our your dreams, having a positive attitude, don’t sweat the small stuff, love yourself, and never give up on what you believe, think and feel. We let life control us, knock us down, and hold us back. This produces stress in one or more areas of our lives and a snow ball effect in our heads causing us to feel stressed, out of balance, and creating negative victimized thinking which flows from our heads to our bodies. This produces a negative outlook, unhappiness, physical systems such as fatigue and much more. Who enjoys living this way? Millions of Americans feel this way, out of balance, stressed, and a lack of passion for life. Over 112 million Americans are on prescribed medications to reduce the side effects of living out of balance and stress. This is sad, and I am sure this is not how we intend to live our lives all the time. (always searching for peace and balance) So, quit trying to conquer the world and everything in it. You are fighting the impossible. We have never won anything by trying to conquer it. Look at the war on poverty and on drugs. Since we started trying to conquer those poverty has spread and the jail population has tripled. Follow your own dreams and go where your passion lies. Love and keep things as simple as you can. When you think you can; you can! Also, know your self worth and don’t sell yourself short of what you desire and know is possible. Then last but not least…DREAM BIG! –Express don’t suppress-

LIVING FOR THE NOW-CONTENTMENT

Philippians 4:11-13
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

If only there was a continuous flow of contentment in our lives from day-to-day maybe there wouldn't be as many suicides a year or people diagnosed with depression each year. Lately I have found myself searching for that middle ground, the area in between chaos and boring, the area know as contentment. You know I am always having to re-evaluate myself, my relationships, and my surroundings. Well, this is the time of year when I think those kind of things weigh more on people than any other time of the year (hence New Year's resolutions). However, while re-evaluating myself, relationships, and my surroundings I found myself focusing on the past and the future, as if I could change or control either one. I became so busy planning and stressing over what tomorrow may bring and regretting what I have done and forgot to do yesterday that I never thought about today. The wheels in my head began turning. How can I be content today when I am fearful of tomorrow and regretful of yesterday? Simple, I can't.

"We crucify ourselves between two thieves: regret for yesterday and fear for tomorrow." Fulton Oursler

So, there I was crucified between regret for yesterday and fear for tomorrow and not one thought of today. I want to be obedient and live a life pleasing to God and I sit here frustrated day in and day out because I can't see God's work in my life and feel as if He has restricted His blessings from me and my family and that's just how it is and will be. Never did I consider the fact that I was the one holding myself back. It is sort of like being in school. You tend to miss important lessons which would have helped you on your current test or project if you don't show up and participate or you choose to be absent from today's lesson. Looking at it from that point of view I started wondering how many of God's lessons and blessing did I miss today or over look because they were not as important as tomorrow or what I missed yesterday. So, how can I expect God's blessings to the fullest when I can't even trust Him and be obedient and participate in the here-and-now?

Matthew 25:21 "You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many."

So, if I want to be content in the here-and-now what can I do, and where do I need to start? Simply put I spend most of my time regretting the past or reliving a moment of my past. This made it more obvious where I needed to start. There is a lot of dark and dirty secrets that I refuse to confront (as if God doesn't know) I can't be content in the "NOW" while hiding parts of my heart and life from the past that are stained. So, I prayed for the strength, and wisdom to sort out those parts of my life and deal with them and let them go. In other words accept them and move past them. These dark secrets have over the years formed ugly habits that needed to be torn down and rebuilt if I expected some contentment today.

Continuing on with my evaluation of myself I realized that the rest of my day after wasting the first half regretting or reliving my past was being wasted on fearing the future (as if I could control it). With this issue at hand I hit the Bible for some reading. I recalled this verse: Matthew 6:26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Why am I stressing when He has already promised He will provide.

Living in the now seems like common sense until we track our thoughts for the day. Everybody desires to be content and at peace. Contentment can't happen today if we are busy regretting yesterday and fearing tomorrow. This was becoming more and more clear, and this was something I desired to change about myself, but it is not so easy. Seems like there is something everyday that erupts a part of my past I either regret or don't want to let go, and then as the evening sets and the realization that today is over and I wasted it on yesterday I start stressing, fearing, and trying to plan tomorrow. If I desired to tear down and rebuild these habits of mine I knew I was going to need God's help, wisdom, insight, and support. I had to let go of the questions that filled my every thought such as "what if" and "why". Each time those questions pop into my head I have to ask myself "Am I ok NOW?" Then if it's an issue from my past I ask God for the strength to confront it and let it go. If it's anxiety or fear of tomorrow I have to remind myself that God loves me so much and if He takes care of the birds then He will surely take care of me. From there I try to be creative in the way I see things and handle things so that I don't find myself repeating old habits that I created from my past. I try to be more observant and thankful for the things going on around me which allows me to focus on the here-and-now with the act of thankfulness. The more aware I am of my thoughts and actions (and flaws) the more I am able to confront them and change them so that I don't have to sit around wasting time on regrets of yesterday and fears of tomorrow and I am able to see God's work, follow God's plan, and grow spiritually into a closer more intimate relationship with the one I love and who loves me for me! This is ultimately my goal for the NOW and all my days to follow. So, as they say, "yesterday is the past tomorrow has yet to come and today is a gift that is why it is called the present."

Matthew 11:28-29
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

John 16:33
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

ANNOYING HABITS

Why does it always seem like our partners intentionally do things that they know frustrate us? They learn fast on both sides what to do, what not to do, and when and how to do things that set us off. Most of the time they are doing those things that irritate us subconsciously or unknowingly. We all have our pet-peeves. In the beginning stages of a relationship we tend to over-look our partners annoying habits like leaving the toilet seat up, clipping nails while watching t.v., or not putting their dirty clothes in the laundry basket that is five steps away. However, lets face it, the newness wears off and the annoying habits are still there slowly driving us closer and close to insanity. This cause us women to create some annoying habits that drive men crazy such as nagging all the time. As you can guess this isn't healthy for a relationship. I myself tend to intentionally and unintentionally do things that I know annoy people and somethings I am unaware I am doing those things to annoy my partner until I am called out on them. (and who likes to be called out or told their habits are annoying to their partner?)

I asked a few of my readers what their partner does that annoys them or what some of their own pet-peeves were. From there I created a list of the top 20 annoying habits. Here it is.

TOP 20 ANNOYING HABITS
1. Texting while on a date
2. Playing too many video games
3. Being clingy
4. Nagging/whining/going off on tangents
5. Being indecisive
6. Being emotionally unresponsive
7. Being bossy
8. Being a know-it-all
9. Bragging/arrogance/conceited
10. Being too jealous
11. Rambling/TMI (to much information)/hinting
12. Being argumentative
13. Making up words to a song because they don't know the real words
14. Blaming all men or assuming all men are bad based on previous relationships
15. Leaving facial hairs in sink
16. Obsessive swearing
17. Cracking knuckles
18. Saying you are "fine" or "not mad" when you really are
19. Being too competitive
20. Being too lazy

There is the top 20 annoying habits as submitted by my friends and readers. I could sit here and go on and on and on with annoying habits and pet-peeves and we all could shake our heads and agree on most all of them (even the ones we ourselves do), but you get the gist of it all. We all have annoying habits and we all have our pet-peeves and the only way to work through them together is open and honest communication with positive actions in change (and we must remain open to the criticism as well if we tend on making it work together) So, remember everyone has their own pet-peeves and annoying habits and we must communicate to overcome them and be willing to change and make the relationship a healthy happy one! EXPRESS DON'T SUPPRESS!!

THE SIDE EFFECTS OF A DIVORCE

Lets face it, in this day in time divorces are happening about as much as weddings are. There are over one million divorces in the United States each year. According to statistics 50% of all first marriages and 60% of all second marriages end in divorce. Seems like everyone from big time celebrities to your next door neighbor is going through or has gone through a divorce. Whatever happened to "till death do us part" or "through thick and thin good and bad?" I really have no idea as I myself am divorced and experienced my parents divorce in my late teens. It was tough both times as a teenager and as an adult (if you call 23 an adult). Divorces are never easy on anyone and whatever your case may be we all manage to experience a divorce whether directly or indirectly, and guess what it's really not the end of the world. We all manage to pick up and move on one way or another. We are the ones that make it harder on ourselves for many selfish reason I assume. There is no right way or wrong way to deal with a divorce. We just have to pick up the pieces and make the best with what we have left.

Now, with all that said, I would like to take a look at the various ages and the effects a divorce has on them and how they react to it. Once we are aware of the effects and reactions we are then able to do something about them.

When I divorced I was 23 years old and I had just bought a new home, a new car, and had my second child. I had a two year old daughter as well and a lay-off coming at work. You all can imagine what I was going through, but what about my kids? I thought at first, "Awe, they are young and they won't remember a thing." I also thought, "They are so young they won't really be affected by the divorce." As usual I was wrong.

It's been two years since my divorce and I now realize no matter how old or young you are there is a set of emotions and reactions we all experience, react to, and move through.

Let us step back and look at toddlers and preschoolers. Are they too young to be effected by a divorce? Nope, not at all. When going through a divorce the children in this age group are effected by their parents moods, behavior, and attitude. They feel the stress and tension and sense the fear and exhaustion and they themselves react accordingly. They become more aggressive and temper mental. They tend to become more clingy and needy as well. They whine more and seem upset all the time. Definitely no fun time for the already-stressed out and exhausted mom huh?

As we move from the toddlers and preschoolers we get into the age group that is most impacted by a divorce, ages five to eight. These children take a divorce harder than the rest of us. They go though despair, guilt, blame, and a sense of abandonment. They feel caught in the middle and confused. They often start to loose interest in extra curriculum activities and become unsociable and withdrawn. They tell lies and make up stories or act out for attention. They become emotionally unstable and they don't understand why. This is why some parents try to stay together for as long as they can, but in reality it's going to be just as difficult no matter what age they are.

Moving on along, we are now at one of the most awkward age groups. Between the ages of nine and thirteen kids are experiencing a lot already. They are gaining independence, yet still need structural guidance of a parent. They are entering middle school, bodies changing, making new friends, getting a sense of responsibility and what they want to do with their lives and now toss in the added stress and changes in lifestyle that a divorce brings and you have one confused and angry teenager. These children experience physical and emotional side-effects during these hard times. They complain of more stomach problems, headaches, and fatigue. They immerse themselves in vigorous activities to offset their feeling of powerlessness or do the opposite and become withdrawn and unresponsive. They often have a more aggressive behavior from built up anger and tend to act out more for attention. Their self-esteem plunges and they appear depressed. Yet with so much going on with their bodies and development and all the other stresses being added they struggle more than we often know or realize.

Adolescents and young adults are more open minded and understanding of a divorce, but it still isn't easy on them either. They battle the physical and emotional side effects as the children between the ages of nine and thirteen. Adolescents usually have a way to escape through supportive friends and extra curriculum activities. They are easier to talk to and more understanding of the situation and how they feel. They do however tend to become more focused on their life and making it better. Some still take the wrong road in a cry for attention, but overall handle a divorce and excel past it just like the rest of us. Just remember they are forever marked by the experience and emotions they felt.

Lets face it....DIVORCES ARE HARD ON EVERYONE REGARDLESS OF YOUR AGE!! The duration for recovery after a divorce is about one to two years no matter your age. The smoother the divorce the faster the recovery.

So, what can we do to rebuild our lives after a divorce. According to the book DIVORCE & NEW BEGINNINGS by Genevieve Clapp we can do things as a family and individuals to work through a divorce. Listed below are a few things we can do.

1. Ensure children they are loved and the divorce is NOT their fault
2. Talk and work through emotions together and out loud NOT alone
3. Let go of anger
4. Forgive
5. Social Support
6. Re-involve yourself and be active
7. Rebuild self-esteem You are special, beautiful, and loved
8. Rest
9. Regain control and let go what you can't control
10. Overcome your identity crisis

Remember, you are not alone and divorces are hard on everyone involved and we all deal with it differently, but there are things we can all do to make the process of recovery a little easier for everyone involved. REMEMBER EXPRESS DON'T SUPPRESS!!!

12 COMMON MISTAKES MADE IN A RELATIONSHIP

I've talked recently on relationships and marriage and what to do to keep your relationship from becoming dysfunctional and withering away. Now, I would like to talk to you about some of the common mistakes people make causing strain or discomfort on a relationship.

Since we know I am no expert on relationships, I quickly hit up my faithful facebook friends and networking circle for some suggestions. Normally I don't get a lot of feedback on my post but this time was different. It seemed as if people were eager to to give feedback on their past relationship trouble they experienced. After reviewing all the post I came up with a list of 12 common mistakes made in relationships. Here we go!

1. Expecting your partner to read your mind
2. Letting passion die
3. Taking your partner for granted
4. Thinking you are always right or you know it all
5. Playing the martyr (the one who always gives in at all cost)
6. Openly criticizing/judging your partner
7. Comparing your relationships to other relationships
8. Over-Analyzing
9. Being dishonest about your past, present, or future
10. Trying to change your partner
11. Emotional manipulation such as blame, guilt, or anger
12. Over crowding or being too demanding or needy...controlling due to past insecurities.

Wow, I'm guilty as charged on many accounts! So, with that said why are these mistake so commonly repeated in many relationship? We all at some point in time have committed one or more of these mistakes. Most of the time we are unaware of these actions, and if you are like me you hate to be called out on them as well.

Since I am guilty as charged on many accounts I started thinking and done some talking to some honest friends and I realized why we tend to make these common mistakes...FEAR and INSECURITY from past relationships. I pulled out my notes from my blog on fear. FEAR is simply a perceived loss of control. OUCH! When our fears start to take control we look for a safety net, something secure. Once we loose that security or safety net we start to experience the feelings of hurt, anger, and resentment especially if we worked really hard to make the relationship work. If that fear and pain is not dealt with we end up caring it with us into our next relationship. All that hurt, insecurity, and fear causes us to unconsciously make these common mistakes, setting us up for yet another heartbreak.

After taking all this in for a few moments all I was left with was we need to be open and honest with our partners, and we need to deal with our past demons. Once we are aware of the things we do wrong or our mistakes we can begin to change that behavior and move into a fulfilling and exciting relationship that will last. EXPRESS DON'T SUPPRESS! So, stop repeating those same mistakes and suffering from relationship to relationship. Start now and sit your partner down and talk to each other. Open and honest communication is the key and the beginning!

KEEP ON KEEPING ON

I'm going to take you on a quick look at my life. I want to show you where I came from and where I am today. Lets keep in mind I'm only going to hit the key points or else we would be here for a long while. So, with that said, let us get started.

February 2, 1985 I was born. I was the first child to my mom and dad. It wasn't long after that before I had a little sister who was born early and very sick. I don't remember much about those days except sleep-overs and coffee (mainly milk) with my granny.

As time went on and my sister and I grew up we both traveled different roads. My dad drank, and had to work a lot to cover all the bills and mom was always depressed and working herself and exhausted. (Now that I am grown I completely understand why she was the way she was) Crystal dove straight into the "bad crowd." I am talking about drugs, sex, alcohol, and whatever else she could get and I hit the books and was involved in band and whatever else I could do to be away from all of them. I was hiding just like everyone else. Dad was hiding in work, mom was hiding in her work and depression, Crystal was hiding in her "crowd" and I was hiding in school.

Since everything was falling apart and nobody had to deal with anything I secretly developed OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) Maybe it was from inappropriate touches from our cousin or just a cry for attention, I really have no idea. I would scrub my hands, cut my face, and much more. I wouldn't use public restrooms and I myself was deeply depressed and guess what now on top of all that I had a little brother on the way and my parents were talking about the big "D" word....divorce. Plus we were in the process of moving back to Virginia from Tennessee and my world was such a mess. After moving back and David being born I was put into counseling, Crystal settled down a little and well David was the only sane person in the house. Mom and dad reconciled and things got better for awhile.

Now, it would be nice if the story ended there and everyone lived happily ever after....not the case here though.

By the time I was 16 I joined my sister's lifestyle and added a little extra to it. Yep, pot, cocaine, acid, alcohol, and parties. I would do anything for a buzz except have sex. My body was not up for sell. Then for the first time at 16 I got my first real boyfriend. Of course he was older and loved to drink, abuse and party. What can I say? I knew nothing more at this point and really didn't care. I didn't feel anything, and that was nice to me. I felt like a zombie, but at least I didn't hurt or feel lost or whatnot anymore. Well, at least that was the illusion.

Illusions are just that...illusionS...and they don't last forever.

As you can guess a relationship like that doesn't last. I wanted more again out of life and he was happy doing what he was doing. However, change was needed and I was still hurting. The drugs wore off and reality started weighing to heavy again, and I guess part of me wasn't willing to change either. I needed a quick fix...the easy way out...a short cut past the pain and I started drinking. I had met another guy who was my drinking buddy/boyfriend and soon-to-be husband. We had a baby and everything was rolling and I couldn't catch up again. We all know an unfaithful, alcoholic, party buddy doesn't make for a good husband but what can I say I had hope things would be different. Boy, was I wrong.

So, to continue on I stopped drinking, we got married, bought a home, a new car, and had another baby on the way when the separation came about. Enough was enough for me. I was flipping out. The years had caught up with me and I had no idea what to do again. I figured change was in need but the reality of the situations and life in general slapped me. I remember standing in our new home reading emails he sent to another woman and suddenly I was my mom. Scary I know. Especially since I said I never wanted to be like her.

My youngest daughter Kaylyn was born three months early fighting for her life was a huge wake up call for me in many areas of my life, but like before things got hard and I tried to take the easy way and started drinking again worse than ever this time. New born baby who was sick, new home, new car, new bills, separation, 23 years old and all my old demons. I finally came to a conclusion that I couldn't live that way. It was really time for a change and time to get some of those old demons off my back.

It has been over two years since that day and my last drink, divorce, and new start. I quickly joined Brentwood Church and started a new path in my life. Has it been easy? Hell NO! Is the temptation of old patterns yelling loud at times? You better believe it, but I have the hope and desire to be a better person and the love of Christ and family that help. So, I just have to "keep on keeping on" as Joe Dirt would say, and that's what I do each day, each battle, and be thankful for each blessing even when it is hard.