THE SIDE EFFECTS OF A DIVORCE

Lets face it, in this day in time divorces are happening about as much as weddings are. There are over one million divorces in the United States each year. According to statistics 50% of all first marriages and 60% of all second marriages end in divorce. Seems like everyone from big time celebrities to your next door neighbor is going through or has gone through a divorce. Whatever happened to "till death do us part" or "through thick and thin good and bad?" I really have no idea as I myself am divorced and experienced my parents divorce in my late teens. It was tough both times as a teenager and as an adult (if you call 23 an adult). Divorces are never easy on anyone and whatever your case may be we all manage to experience a divorce whether directly or indirectly, and guess what it's really not the end of the world. We all manage to pick up and move on one way or another. We are the ones that make it harder on ourselves for many selfish reason I assume. There is no right way or wrong way to deal with a divorce. We just have to pick up the pieces and make the best with what we have left.

Now, with all that said, I would like to take a look at the various ages and the effects a divorce has on them and how they react to it. Once we are aware of the effects and reactions we are then able to do something about them.

When I divorced I was 23 years old and I had just bought a new home, a new car, and had my second child. I had a two year old daughter as well and a lay-off coming at work. You all can imagine what I was going through, but what about my kids? I thought at first, "Awe, they are young and they won't remember a thing." I also thought, "They are so young they won't really be affected by the divorce." As usual I was wrong.

It's been two years since my divorce and I now realize no matter how old or young you are there is a set of emotions and reactions we all experience, react to, and move through.

Let us step back and look at toddlers and preschoolers. Are they too young to be effected by a divorce? Nope, not at all. When going through a divorce the children in this age group are effected by their parents moods, behavior, and attitude. They feel the stress and tension and sense the fear and exhaustion and they themselves react accordingly. They become more aggressive and temper mental. They tend to become more clingy and needy as well. They whine more and seem upset all the time. Definitely no fun time for the already-stressed out and exhausted mom huh?

As we move from the toddlers and preschoolers we get into the age group that is most impacted by a divorce, ages five to eight. These children take a divorce harder than the rest of us. They go though despair, guilt, blame, and a sense of abandonment. They feel caught in the middle and confused. They often start to loose interest in extra curriculum activities and become unsociable and withdrawn. They tell lies and make up stories or act out for attention. They become emotionally unstable and they don't understand why. This is why some parents try to stay together for as long as they can, but in reality it's going to be just as difficult no matter what age they are.

Moving on along, we are now at one of the most awkward age groups. Between the ages of nine and thirteen kids are experiencing a lot already. They are gaining independence, yet still need structural guidance of a parent. They are entering middle school, bodies changing, making new friends, getting a sense of responsibility and what they want to do with their lives and now toss in the added stress and changes in lifestyle that a divorce brings and you have one confused and angry teenager. These children experience physical and emotional side-effects during these hard times. They complain of more stomach problems, headaches, and fatigue. They immerse themselves in vigorous activities to offset their feeling of powerlessness or do the opposite and become withdrawn and unresponsive. They often have a more aggressive behavior from built up anger and tend to act out more for attention. Their self-esteem plunges and they appear depressed. Yet with so much going on with their bodies and development and all the other stresses being added they struggle more than we often know or realize.

Adolescents and young adults are more open minded and understanding of a divorce, but it still isn't easy on them either. They battle the physical and emotional side effects as the children between the ages of nine and thirteen. Adolescents usually have a way to escape through supportive friends and extra curriculum activities. They are easier to talk to and more understanding of the situation and how they feel. They do however tend to become more focused on their life and making it better. Some still take the wrong road in a cry for attention, but overall handle a divorce and excel past it just like the rest of us. Just remember they are forever marked by the experience and emotions they felt.

Lets face it....DIVORCES ARE HARD ON EVERYONE REGARDLESS OF YOUR AGE!! The duration for recovery after a divorce is about one to two years no matter your age. The smoother the divorce the faster the recovery.

So, what can we do to rebuild our lives after a divorce. According to the book DIVORCE & NEW BEGINNINGS by Genevieve Clapp we can do things as a family and individuals to work through a divorce. Listed below are a few things we can do.

1. Ensure children they are loved and the divorce is NOT their fault
2. Talk and work through emotions together and out loud NOT alone
3. Let go of anger
4. Forgive
5. Social Support
6. Re-involve yourself and be active
7. Rebuild self-esteem You are special, beautiful, and loved
8. Rest
9. Regain control and let go what you can't control
10. Overcome your identity crisis

Remember, you are not alone and divorces are hard on everyone involved and we all deal with it differently, but there are things we can all do to make the process of recovery a little easier for everyone involved. REMEMBER EXPRESS DON'T SUPPRESS!!!